If Obama Wins...

The fear of violence following an election is a currency traded in places like Belarus, Togo, or Zimbabwe. U.S. fear mongers are apt to describe a nasty scenario wherein a McCain victory could very definitely lead to riots and unrest in America’s urban centers, but that’s unlikely. The cops in this country, how shall I say this, have long demonstrated an aptitude for tidying up even the biggest, blackest messes that have come down the pike. Nom Dieu! It’s the crackers that I’m afraid of and what’s going to happen in the south, in Wyoming, and western PA when, or if, Obama cracks the old Two-Seven-Zero.

Seriously, the poo-slinging Nazi orangutans that came out for the Palin rallies are the Well-Mannered and Bright side of the Whack Job Electorate. Yesterday, at a school in Jacksonville, Florida (Why, Lord, why?) scribbling on the bathroom wall read “If Obama is Elected, the new KKK will blow up the school”. It doesn’t take much to extrapolate what that kid's parents might be thinking. For all the douche bags that have moved to Manhattan in the last fifteen years, it is a very safe place for me to be this coming Wednesday.

On the other hand, it is without anxious anticipation that I await the Liberal Rapture; the gooey-faced, blissed out baboons roaming the streets asking me if I can feel it, feel the change. Nom Merde! Sweet Lord, you know it’s coming (and, again, I mean hopefully), and I hope I’m able to stomach it.

Six days and counting. I might have to pop out to PA.

If Obama Loses...

“I’m exhausted,” I told Frank Belloc, combat psychologist and good friend, “I’ve flown some forty-two hours in the last week, from the States to Europe, to the Middle East and back and, yet, my half-brother, who’s been detained by the U.S. military for the last two weeks and was subjected to everything short of waterboarding, has already bolted for Pennsylvania, desperate to help shore up the lead for Obama.”

“Can you understand the panic?” asked my good friend. Franks’ business had sunk a bit of late, what with Barack’s numbers so high, reporters un-moved any longer, was looking at the contest rather neutrally. “Any dip into the single digits signal a potential hi-jacking. This is the most important election, and I know how dumb that sounds, but it’s true, since the demise of the Democrats in 1968. If Obama loses this thing, by hook or by crook, what happens? A thin thread of life is given to the GOP; the Dems don’t fracture, but what about the electorate? Black Americans? Can you say Rodney? The youth vote? Please. Who wouldn’t try everything in their power to try and push this thing?”

“You don’t think the Palin Creature is already posturing for the loss?” I asked him. “The rogue is making signals to her base?”

“For chrissakes,” said Frank, “The Republicans will fracture completely with a loss. I don’t even want to tell you what I think is going to happen to them with an Obama win. That’s not relevant. Thing is, nobody ought to whistle past the graveyard right now. They’re close, but they’re not there yet.”

Obama is not above 50% in Key Battleground States

I was able to get ESPN on my Blackberry from the waiting room at Victory Base in Baghdad. Rains and even snow continue to fall in the Philadelphia area, delaying the suspended game five. Beware, Phillies, the caprices of the baseball gods and 3-1 leads when nature gets involved.

Bertie Ernesto had lost none of his vim, after getting worked over by the 1st Cavalry Security.

“Let’s go, eh? We’ve got to get back to the States! There’s only a week to go!”
“So, you’re done with Track?”
My half-brother had come to Iraq last month, dedicated to the preservation of life and limb of the GOPVEEP candidate’s oldest son.

“Palin is a shitbird! They’re cosseting him here like he was a Bush child! He’s playing cards with generals! Come on, let’s go!”

“Back to Nader?”
Bertie had been a fervent supporter of Nader’s Ticket, a saber-rattling truth seeker against corporate hegemony and the two-party system.

“If I’ve said it once, Pierre, I’ve said it a thousand times! The greatest thing Bush ever did for the Democrats was steal the 2000 election! Everybody wants the illusion of change and, I say, let’s get it to them the sooner the better! Our fight has not yet begun, and if we don’t high tail our Nuck Butts back Stateside, those goddamn republicans might just steal another one!”

“Nom Dieu, mon frere, what can two Canadians do? Besides, I’m Qubecer.”

“Regardless, you dirty frog, I’m going taking it to the battlegrounds! Are you coming or not?”

The Sons of Ayn and Greenspan...

Sacre’Blu! I took a minute between my flight from Ankara to Baghdad to do a little research. I’ll admit I wrote off Ayn Rand years ago, after a cursory review of that god-awful propagandist film adaptation of ‘The Fountainhead’ (screenplay by Rand, herself), thinking, surely, that ‘up-by-your-own-bootstraps’ drivel couldn’t survive outside of the mind-soil of your average twenty-two year old. But, it turns out, I was quite the naïve waif! Alan ‘I found a Flaw’ Greenspan has, apparently until very recently, continued to suckle at the teat of Objectivism and I’d like to know, WHAT OTHER SECRET CULTS ARE RUNNING THIS FUCKING COUNTRY!

Seriously! Nom Dieu! You thought we’d learned a lesson after the last untalented artist with messianic ambitions turned his nation into a facist nutbag paradise, and you’d be right! Just that our nutbags psychos learned to be better at keeping quiet about it.

Which begs the question, what competing secret cabal is behind the absolute slap in the Laissez-faire face of capitalism? This billion dollar bailout? I fear to say, it was the sad children of the church of Rand, themselves. You see, these pigs are operating this economy like it were a home version of Galaga, simply hitting ‘play again’ when the last spaceship is destroyed by aliens. New Game.

As I arrive in Baghdad, in the dead of night, the air is a desert chilly seventy-two Fahrenheit. Obama is keeping above fifty percent, but barely. He must maintain it, must keep a hard distance in the stretch to stave off the Howling Dogs, and the Bradley Voters. I’m being led by military escort to where my half-brother, Bertie Ernesto is being held. More on that tomorrow.

Greenspan Shocked!

With the stock market plunging, the 767 to Berlin took off, myself on board. I would change flights in Germany and fly to Ankara and from there to Baghdad, where my half brother, Bertie Ernesto was being held by the military police. He’d apparently collected thirty thousand dollars in online fund raising and was making good on his promise to deliver armor and security to Track Palin in Diyala. Only he hadn’t counted on the dim view the United States Military takes on Canadian interference. A dim view indeed.

Meanwhile, as I leave the States, it appears the media have misinterpreted the RNC and Sarah Palin’s $150,000 spending spree. Wasn’t that part of Paulsen’s stimulus package? I feel certain I saw legislation earmarking the dough for Nieman Marcus and Saks 5th Ave. Come on, David Shuster, take a powder, will ya?

Opening up a double digit lead on McCain, Obama is flying as well. The candidate is Hawaii bound to tend to his ailing grandmother and I wait, with nervous anticipation, for the GOP response. Every move McCain makes these days has the taste of reactionary, the echo of sore loser about it.

The Week in Review

Well, what can I say? There are more than a few bright points in the weeks past, perhaps none more inspiring than the sight of Clint Curtis at Tropicana Field as the Feisty Devil Rays vanquished the Satanic Red Sox. Mr. Curtis, you ADD-addled Americans must remember, is the former Yang Co. programmer who blew the whistle on bogus electronic voting machines and Fiendish Representative of the 24th District, Tom Feeney, the dirty, underhanded bastard behind Florida 2000. Although he lost the primary in his bid to unseat Feeney, this reporter is heartened that Florida will be playing with paper trail ballots which MAY help to subdue a SMALL amount of Republican Vote Counting Treachery this November.

As well, it would seem the tablespoons of socialism administered to the cosseted, man-child that is the U.S. economy has taken its effect and the Fake Economy has stabilized for the moment. Nom Dieu, doesn’t anyone else feel that these clowns from Fannie to Freddie to Lehman, et al amount to little more than Spaulding Smails and his yacht club buddies all grown up and crying for more hotdogs and cheeseburgers? Sacre’Poutine!

But is there anything in this godforsaken media landscape more depraved than the twenty-four hour news cycles of MSNBC, FOX, and CNN? Like some deranged addicts one the Violent Prowl, they cravenly devour stories like Palin’s Baby and Joe the Plumber without regard to content or substance? Watching Wolfe Blitzer try to describe John McCain’s debate performance as ‘throwing punches’ caused me to check the channel guide. Was I not watching ‘Intervention’? and wouldn’t some kind family please emerge from the shadows and scurry this poor, delusional bastard off to some gentle facility in sunny California?

I will say one last thing as we careen into the final two weeks of this two year long debacle. Wrong! I won’t say a thing. Roger D. Hodge, of Harper’s magazine has articulated it so much better than I, a poor and simple Canadian ever could. With regard to this dismal performance of the Democratic Party in past and current election cycles:

After eight years of catastrophic Republican misrule- in the midst of economic crisis and rising unemployment, in a nation plagued by ruinous energy costs and inflation, bank failures, and staggering public and private corruption- an eloquent, charismatic, intelligent Democratic candidate was locked in a statistical tie with a doddering old hack whose primary argument for his claim to the most powerful office on earth is that he was shot down over Vietnam and tortured for five years. Indeed, this remained the case even after McCain demonstrated beyond all doubt, in his impetuous selection of a ludicrously unsuitable vice-presidential candidate, that he lacked the good judgment that is the primary qualification for the job. If the Democratic Party loses this election, then it should forever concede the presidency.

Et vous pret?

How Certain Are You?

Let’s call it a nervous optimism, shall we?
I don’t pretend to be non-partisan; for the love of God, I’m Canadian; just a simple Quebecer reporter raised on the simple, homespun values of the Gaspe Peninsula: an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. No Quarter.

So, yeah, Sacre’Poutine, I’m for Obama! And, damn you all, I’ve learned what this country is capable of and there is still time to run afoul! Ready the Long Knives! This is the final stretch!

Certainly, the Curmudgeon from the Dungeon is piss poor in the polls, his running mate decreed to have abused her power as governor of the *&$%&^$%# State of Alaska, the economy is in the shit can and we all know who’s to blame and who can’t fix it, their rallies have denigrated into casserole pot-lucks for crack pots, and the best of the conservative pundits are reeling like drunkards telephoning ex-girlfriends in the deep night, offering inchoate explanations for how things could work out between us, but I’ve seen this country robbed of its vote more than once, watched it wring its hands, and wet its pants as cowboys and corporate raiders howled like goddamned gorillas all over the trampoline of Decency and I know what’s still possible. Disaster Awaits!

Hysterical? Have you seen Uncounted: The New Math of American Elections? Ask yourself what makes you confident Obama’s lead is enough to gain victory? Polls? Remember Kerry in ’04? Exit polls showed him leading by margins mathematically impossible, according to the ‘recorded results’. What’s that mean? Lie, Scandal, Calumny! That’s what! Obama is going to take advantage of record numbers streaming to the ballot box? Who? Black Americans? The same African-Americans purged, disenfranchised, locked out of urban, black communities in Ohio, New Mexico, Pennsylvania, and California? All of this and more happened in 2000, 2004, and you may be surprised to hear that even in the Democrats overtaking congress in 2006, vote-flipping occurred through the use of un-auditable electronic voting.

Nothing is Assured. If the numbers slip, even within five points, there are Sinister Forces well oiled and Ready to steal this one from you as well. Be Vigilant! And, nom dieu, don’t take it this time!

See the movie, sharpen your knives, watch the debate!

A Modest Proposal...

Oh, hello, bonjour! I just got up this morning and… sacre’poutine! Solved the goddmaned financial crisis, don’t mind if I do! Or, at least part of it, anyway. Look, what if I were to offer you an instant EIGHT BILLION dollars a year on a product you could tax an estimable 6.2 BILLION more all the while shedding something like 5.3 BILLION in legal costs on a statewide level and 2.4 more YOU KNOW HOW MUCH on the federal? What would you do? Why wouldn’t you take it? You know what I’m talking about.

Listen, it won’t do much to quell the financial markets, but not only would the legalization of marijuana give a gigantic boost to our current cash flow problem, it sure as hell would go a long way to quell our national anxiety right now. In fact, I would go so far as to suggest mandatory bong hits for every man and woman on the stock exchange floor right now. E-Traders, ready your ‘enter’ keys, stocks set to Entenmanns!

Listen, I’m not hearing any better suggestions out there right now from these campaigns. McPain is out there staggering like a bull moose with a couple of 30 odd six rounds lodged in its trachea, and, frankly, and I don’t mean this in a bad way, but every second this market tips closer to the shit can of Depression, the better Obama’s chances are looking. I just hope he’s made some clandestine deal with the markets (ala Reagan and the Iranians) and this fucking mess improves after the election!

In the meantime, I am recommending some serious spliff time for every man, woman, and child in America. Our economy depends on it.

My Follow Up Question: WTF?

First of all, I’d like to thank Allen, Oliver, Teresa, Fiora, Langdon, Ingrid, Lindsay, Steve, Katie, and Zenned out Peggy. Your milquetoasty, bland, and probably heavily vetted questions kept the fun out of one more debate, one more time. Not even that old codger, McCain, could sit still for the whole thing without wandering around the room like he’d lost his keys.

“Those of you at home, are not so constrained,” said Tom Brokaw, referring to the television audience’s freedom to howl like goddamned monkeys, if they liked, at the proceedings. Just there was nothing to howl about. Obama got to run, pretty smoothly, through a calm rehash of stump speeches and the Curmudgeon from the Dungeon rattled off the names of a bunch of old fogies he used to pal around with, like Reagan, Tip O’Neil, and Russ Feingold.

It’s no wonder that it’s more fun to follow the Palin side of the campaign. Keeping up with that hillbilly woman’s syntax is like an addiction to Sudoku puzzles, and add to it the fact that her rallies are starting more and more to look like thinly veiled Klan meetings, this the one to watch. At a rally this week, supporters shouted ‘Kill him’ after Palin made comments linking Obama to terrorist activities. An African American AV Tech was menaced, as were reporters of the mainstream media. This is good old fashioned politics!

The Republicans are fading in the polls like an old pair of jeans and you had best be Very Nervous and Wary they don’t try something desperate before the seat gets blown out. These Sinister Hoodlums are capable of anything and not for a moment held back by Conciousness or Civil Liberty. God protect Track Palin is what I’ve got to say. Sacre’Poutine! That’s not good enough! You’ve got to contribute to the Bertie Ernesto(*) “Chasing Track” fund! He’s raising money to buy personal armor and a plane ticket to Diyala in order to keep that piece of Political Canon Fodder safe and sound! I predict something terrible before the next debate if nothing is done!

* Bertie is, apparently, raising funds through treasurer Thomas Foster. Don't ask me why, he's from Manitoba, go figure.

The Great State of my Ass...

It was eight years ago that your country answered the question, “Are we stupid enough and are we complacent enough?” In the resounding consumer quiet of ‘You bet we are’, the forces of religious and corporate mania and greed went to work like hard, pipe hittin thugs on this democrazy of yours. This election isn’t a question for the American people, it’s a big stick poking in your sides, wielded by the Rovian Forces behind the McPain Campaign, just making sure you are still asleep.

Nom Dieu! I suppose we chalk it up to civil discourse that there was no direct confrontation in last night’s debate, no scoffing, sighing, or slinging, but to watch it was like flipping the channels between CSPAN and some Bravo reality show. It’s a good goddamned thing I live in New York and the chances of some rooter tooter telling me that beauty pageant questionnaire Palin orally filled out was a winner debate performance are as slim as me getting a latte in Wasilla. I might resort to violence!

Gwen Ifill was pathetic in asking follow up questions, allowing the Barracuda ample opportunity to wink at the camera and barrage her base with folksy nutbaggery. Biden was capable and competent, but, sacre’poutine!, he was a little too indulgent of Palin; he should have taken a bigger bite.

Obama is up in the polls in almost all of the battleground states, except Missouri, by as much as four-plus points, but if the gloves don’t come off soon, it will be too close. Let’s remember that the question has already been answered for us and that close elections in this country rarely go to the polite and tolerant.